After a difficult childhood and tragic life events that traumatized me, I had been living with decades of anxiety and a panic disorder. I lived a stressful lifestyle that brought constant panic reactions which left me suicidal at midnight and depressed in the morning for years.
I felt that nothing could help me. I had attempted so many therapies, Arthur Yanov Primal Scream, traditional Psychoanalysis for 2 years, Psychotherapy with several different therapists, Counselling, Social Work therapy, I tried several marriages to the wrong men, thinking that being a good wife and parent would solve everything.
Still, nothing could stop the constant fears rushing through my mind, the impulsive suicidal thoughts that terrified me. I had been prescribed Paxil therapy for one year, a year in which I felt nothing, therefore I was nothing, I had begun to accept that the rest of my life would be spent panicking in the night, sleeping with one eye open and waking exhausted and depressed.
One day, I met someone who recommended TM. By this time a Financial Predator had destroyed my finances and there was very little money to go around, never mind paying for something so intangible as a TM course. One evening Michèle Beausoleil called me again to ask how I was and I knew it was time. I made arrangements to finance my course over several months and I began the most authentic journey I could ever have, a journey inward to where I found what I had been missing for so long.
I began meditating with my instructor, Michele, and it all began to make sense. I was so destabilized by the things around me that attacked me in my already unstable life, and the traumas and stresses made me so unhappy that I was unable to find any peace anywhere. Suddenly I was introduced to a person that I had never met.
There was an inner me that was waiting for me on this day. I began to meditate regularly and even at 3 a.m. instead of panicking, I welcomed the opportunity to sit quietly and with my mantra and a comfortable cotton duvet surrounding me, I was able to find what had evaded me all along. It was there all along but I had never known it.
There is a place inside your center, your soul, your person, a place that no one else can be. It was that ability to be alone, give myself the gift of healthy solitude, and the reward was that I was able to silence my mind, where now my worries and fears came to the door but did not stay. While I repeated my mantra calmly, the beginning of the word met the end and the end of the word met the beginning and suddenly the word was endlessly streaming me away from the outside noise that so affected me.
At first I found a calm that surrounded me, allowed me to feel more rested than I had felt in a long time. Then I began to enjoy the serenity that came with settling in for my twenty minutes alone with myself, alone to understand the difference between who I am and what I am not. I am not the problems, the stress, the unfulfilled dreams and duties piled up outside my heart. I am potential, never ending, never beginning, just endless potential. The chaos stopped.
The fear and anxiety that pills had masked suddenly took their place outside of my perimeter. I suddenly understood boundaries. I faithfully practiced my twice daily for twenty minutes TM business model. It was my priority, what fueled my ability to return to a baseline calm so that I could resume the daily me that lived outside where my job, my family, my pets and my obligations were competing for my time and robbing my peace.
One day, while sitting in the hospital attending to a friend who had open heart surgery, I took the time to meditate while waiting for him to wake up. It happened. I transcended. I had no idea it was happening, and I did not know what was happening until it was over. I had landed in an inner space that was so sacred. I was me, happy to meet me. It was only after I came back to the outside world and the outside me that I understood why so many people swore that TM was the answer.
I was now able to rely on my own self to stop the noise, to silence the fears and take the time I so needed twice a day just to give myself the perspective I needed to realize that the chaos was not within me but outside of me and that I could find a way to reset myself at a lower base level of noise and distraction.
All of the demands and stresses became more manageable because I restored myself twice a day, at which time I became my priority. The trust that I found in myself, the confidence I now felt in my ability to tackle my days and nights without medications or other dependencies, well, that was priceless. Where once I was angry, loud and tough, I found that in reality, I could be a calm and convincing person without the need to assume a defensive position. I became a better version of myself.
I understood that we were all potential that had been developed or was still in development. I began to recognize those people who were evolving, like I was. My evolution was internal, private and personal. However, I couldn’t hide it from my family and friends. The word they used to describe me was calm. I smiled to myself and felt the reward of true personal accomplishment. I had succeeded in handling the conditions that limited me and using one that gave me an advantage. The advantage of knowing where to find myself and be truly alone away from all that was rushing me. The advantage of TM.
The truth is I don’t think I could ever be that other person again, even if I wanted to. It is an irreversible change. It is a permanent knowledge that cannot be undone. There is no better way to describe it other than the gift of hidden tranquility. I stop myself from thinking about what my life would be like if I had started TM decades ago. I can only affect today, now, only continue down this new path and find my way to my future, one in which I am able to surrender myself to a certain calm and serenity twice a day, twenty minutes at a time. My time for me. The stress and depression that was an elephant sitting in the room has become a chocolate elephant that I eat, one bite at a time. It is my different point of view. The TM view that is better than the sunrise and the sunset. If I have to , I lock myself in a bathroom at the office to meditate, or I just tell everyone that I am going to take twenty minutes to meditate. No one argues with that. They all prefer the new me. So do I.